Friday, September 22, 2017

Thought for the day

Funny Friday



Last week I mentioned that the next 3 Funny Fridays would be themed Sex, Drugs and Rock ‘n’ Roll.

We had sex last week so today it is time to do drugs.

It turned out to be a little more difficult than I thought it would be to find drug jokes that are humorous but not off. Here is what I came up with, some are repeats.


A Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher.  He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher says, "Okay , but don’t  go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes, saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."  Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.
"See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologises, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull.  With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.

The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs...

"Your badge... Show him your badge!"


Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles and disciples to an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption problem all over the world.
After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order to better deal with the problem, they should try the drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed.
It was therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the members return to earth to get the different types of drugs.
The secret operation is effected and two days later the commissioned disciples begin to return to heaven.
Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in the first disciple:
"Who is it?"
"It's Paul"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Paul?"
"Hashish from Morocco"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's Mark"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Mark?"
"Marijuana from Colombia"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's Matthew"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Matthew?"
"Cocaine from Bolivia"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's John"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring John?"
"Crack from New York"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's Luke"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Luke?"
"Speed from Amsterdam"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's Judas"
Jesus opens the door.
What did you bring Judas?"


A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled 'LSD'?"

His granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"


An oldie . . .

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.


A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! What are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.” So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river. At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in! The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”




Corn Corner:

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

I hate cocaine dealers. Always sticking their business into other people's noses.

Sex, drugs, rock & roll;
Speed, weed, & birth control.
Life's a bitch and then you die,

So fuck the world and let’s get high! 

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Thought for the Day

It be 19 September, ye bilge rats . . .


Arrhh, today be a special day, it be International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Written about it previously, I have (I give up, now I’m starting to sound like Yoda).

Graham, aka Mr Trivia, sent me an item that he thought might be interesting for Talk Like a Pirate Day.


At first I had my doubts about the accuracy of what he sent me, particularly the end part, thinking it might be one of those things that does the rounds by emails, but on looking into it, I found that it was factual.

Below is Graham’s email to me, censored by leaving out the poem at the end.


English born Charlotte Badger was sentenced to be transported to Australia for the crime of theft. During her term of penal servitude she performed hard manual labour in a factory, and also gave birth to a daughter.

After her sentence had ended, Charlotte, her baby, and Catherine Hagerty (a fellow convict whose term was also served) took ship in the Venus heading for New Zealand.

The captain of the Venus was a sadistic bully, and drove the crew to mutiny. By this time, both Charlotte and Catherine had taken lovers among the crew, and they all continued onto North Island without the captain. They turned to piracy along the way, even though no-one left on board could actually navigate properly.

Legend has it that after the two women and their lovers settled ashore, the crew continued their piracy, and were eventually captured by Maori tribesmen; the Venus was burned to the waterline, and most of the crew were eaten!

They are remembered today as the first white women to settle in New Zealand. Catherine is reported to have fallen ill and died, but nothing is known for sure about the fate of Charlotte, or her child, once settled in New Zealand.

The story of "The Good Ship Venus" is now (in)famous in the words of a vulgar drinking song.

The following amplified version is from Wikipedia at:
That item also provides citations for the various facts provided.
Charlotte Badger

Charlotte Badger (1778 – in or after 1818) is widely considered to be the first Australian female pirate. She was also one of the first two white female settlers in New Zealand.

Early life 
Badger was born in 1778, the daughter of Thomas and Ann Badger. She was baptised on 31 July 1778. Her family was poor, and one day in 1796, she stole several guineas and a silk handkerchief in an attempt to support them, but was caught and arrested. She was sentenced to seven years' penal servitude in New South Wales.


Badger arrived on the Earl Cornwallis in 1801. In 1806 she was serving at the Parramatta female factory, during which she gave birth to a daughter.

In 1806, she travelled with her child aboard The Venus, with plans to become a servant in Van Diemens Land. The captain of the ship, Samuel Chase, was in the habit of flogging the women for entertainment, until his charges and crew mutinied. Badger and another convict, Catherine Hagerty, talked the men on board into seizing the ship, while the captain was ashore at Port Dalrymple in northern Tasmania.

In 1806, Badger and Hagerty and their lovers, John Lancashire and Benjamin Kelly, went to the Bay of Islands in the far north of New Zealand, where they settled at the pa at Rangihoua. By April 1807, Hagerty had died and by the end of the year Lancashire and Kelly had also left.

In 1826, the American ship the Lafayette landed in Vavaʻu. On the ship's landing in Sydney, they reported that Charlotte Badger and her daughter had stopped there eight years earlier. Badger could speak Māori fluently and could communicate in Tongan and was travelling on a whaling ship to America.

Some stories suggest that the other mutineers all fled but were eventually caught and hanged, while others suggest that they went pirating after Badger, Hagerty, Lancashire and Kelly left, despite not knowing how to navigate the ship. Then the Māori captured The Venus, and burned it to retrieve the scrap metal, and cooked the men on board. Meanwhile, Lancashire, and Kelly were also recaptured and Hagerty died of a fever.

In the 1825 convict muster there is listed a Charlotte Badger, with 10-year-old daughter Maria, who arrived on the Earl Cornwallis in 1801. While the birth date is estimated at 1785, it's highly unlikely there were two Charlotte Badgers – one who became a pirate and another who was listed in Parramatta in 1825. 

Wikipedia also has a post on the poem/song The Good Ship Venus at:

It contains the following:

It is possible that this song was inspired by an actual event, where a female convict (Charlotte Badger), sailing on the colonial brigantine Venus, convinced members of the crew to commandeer the vessel, sailing from Port Dalrymple in Van Diemens Land (now Tasmania) in 1806.

Despite various reports, the ultimate fate of the Venus is unknown. This may have led to speculation by those left behind, with fantasies leading to the creation of this drinking song. One of the verses also refers to a 'Charlotte' . . .

The Poem/Song:

You’ll have to find it yourself by googling it.

'Twas on the good ship Venus,
By God you should have seen us,

And that's about all of it that is suitable to post.

Monday, September 18, 2017

Thought for the Day

Edward Everett Hale (1822 – 1909) was an American author, historian, and Unitarian minister. One of his posts held was as Chaplain of the United States Senate (1903).
Bonus Hale quote:

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