Monday, April 23, 2018

Last Word

I spent the weekend just gone with my father in law at Canberra. Noel likes to watch the History Channel and on Friday night we watched a story on the development of fighter planes in WW1. I was amazed to learn that WW1 pilots did not take parachutes with them when they went up, it was looked on as being cowardly, with the result that most pilots who were shot down were killed. On average WW1 pilots lasted for 60 hours flying time. (One pilot always took a pistol up with him. When asked what he hoped to do with it in a dogfight, he said that it wasn’t for the enemy, it was for himself, especially if his plane ended up on fire.) 

The program had a fair bit of detail about the development of the tri-planes, the more manouverable planes with 3 wings made famous by Baron Manfred von Richtofen and his Flying Circus. Von Richtofen was credited with 80 kills but was himself brought down over the Somme by a .303 bullet to the heart and lungs, generally now acepted to have been fired by Australian ground troops. He managed to land his plane in a field.

His last word was “Kaput!” 

According to the dictionary, “kaput” is German for “broken and useless; no longer working or effective.” 

Very apt.

Out of the mouths of . . .

* * * * * * 
Just as I was wondering what to post today, some funnies about kids arrived from Leo. Thanks, Leo. Here are some smiles, cute moments and a look at the innocent logic of kids, whether the stories are true or otherwise . . . 
* * * * * * 
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. 
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. 
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. 
You did WHAT?!? the teacher exclaimed in surprise. 
"You know, “explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move." 

* * * * * * 
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. 
Five minutes later....."Da-ad...." 
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?" 
"No, You had your chance. Lights out." 
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." 
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" 
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" 
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." 
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?" 

* * * * * * 
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" 
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'" 

* * * * * * 
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" 
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. 
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." 
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy." 

* * * * * * 
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. 
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" 
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron." 

* * * * * * 
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine ..." 
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" 
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." 
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. 
"Yes," he answered. 
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" 
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." 
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" 
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four." 

* * * * * * 
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" 
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Shit! A talking chicken!'" 
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. 

* * * * * * 
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." 
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." 
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" 
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not." 

* * * * * * 
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" 
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." 
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?" 

* * * * * * 
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. 
She stands next to the barber chair while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. 
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." 
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too." 

* * * * * * 
The minister started his children’s sermon with a question, “Who knows what a Resurrection is?” 
Without missing a beat a young boy says, “If you have one lasting more than 4 hours call your physician. 
The pastor is still laughing. 

* * * * * * 
Leo’s item finishes with the words: Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone! 

That seems good to me.

Friday, April 20, 2018

Quote for the Day

A man commisioned Picasso to paint a portrait of his wife.  When he first saw it, he was horrified at the style in which it had been painted.  He told Picasso that he ought to make pictures of things the way they are and produced a photograph of his wife from his wallet.  He said, "There, you see, that is a picture of how she really is." Picasso looked at it and said, "She is rather small, isn't she. And flat."

Picasso self portraits

Funny Friday

Following on from yesterday's post, the public art creations of Tom Bob, today's Funny Friday theme is art. Enjoy.

I will be away for a few days so there won't be any Bytes this weekend. 😞 Back Monday. 😊

* * * * * *
An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week and when I return I expect to see it completed." Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions. Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire. "Why that's exactly what you asked for" said the artist smugly. "No, I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts" "And there you have it" said the artist. "I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all those fucking Indians' 

There was artist who worked from a studio in his home. He specialised in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now. His model showed up and, after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work. He told her not to bother, since he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed. The model said, "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do." He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps. "Oh my God!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife! Quick! Take all your clothes off!"
* * * * * *
My girlfriend insisted on going to the art gallery so I went along with it and after an hour looking at pictures I called her over and said, "What about this one?"
"Are you serious?"
"Yeah, it's the best one I've seen yet."
"If you don't want to be here, then leave."
"When did I say that?"
"When you called me over to look at the EXIT sign."

* * * * * *

The definition of Modern Art

* * * * * *

Corn Corner:

A lot of corn this week . . .

* * * * * *
I've just found a portrait of a policeman in the loft.
I think it's a Constable.

* * * * * *
Did you hear about the guy in Paris who almost got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre? After planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

(He couldn't make his Van Gogh. If he got Degas, could he make it Gaugin?)

* * * * * *
Artist Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his new chateau. The intruder got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like. On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, the minister of finance, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.

* * * * * *
Q: How many visitors to an Art Gallery does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to do it and one to say "Huh! My four-year old could've done that!"

* * * * * *
I've developed a foolproof technique any of you can use to sculpt a model of an elephant.
1. Get a huge block of marble.
2. Chip away anything that doesn't look like an elephant.

* * * * * *
As a painter, I'm proud to say some of my work can be seen in the National Gallery.

I did the skirting boards.

* * * * * *
An artist decided to buy a new easel. He wasn't too sure what type to get. At the art shop they offered him two, a big one and a small one. He pondered for a while and finally decided on the lesser of two easels.

* * * * * *
And now, like Vincent, I'm outta here . . .

Thursday, April 19, 2018

Thought for the Day

Tom Bob's Street Art

As I have previously sometimes stated, I am fascinated that you and I can look at an object and see the object; someone else can look at it and see a group of monkeys or a lobster.  Albert Einstein supposedly said logic will take you from A to B, whereas imagination will take you everywhere.  So it is with Tom Bob, a street artist who has been brightening the public areas of New York and Massachusetts by reimagining mundane items such as manhole covers, pipes and bollards.  Here is some of his work . . .

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

Quote for the Day

How much is a shitload?

Someone sent me an email with the above title and a collection of photographs, which I then couldn’t find when I wanted to post same.  I have located other pics on the ‘net, the photographs proving the ingenuity of some people and the stupidity of most of them, especially the ones putting lives at risk. As Brit comedian Frankie Howerd used to say, “I’m flabbergasted — never has my flabber been so gasted!”

. . . and, to conclude, one that appeared a few days ago in connection with Oz Big Things. . .