Caution: risque content . . .
A few days ago I posted some poems about old age. A number of people, aging people, have told me that they related to the checklist of the signs of old age. So today’s theme for Funny Friday is age, both young and old.
And for those who were ticking off the checklist, here is another:
For the first time in many years, an old man travelled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn.
Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."
"Well, sir," the attendant replied, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now. . . “
Three old men were walking.
One remarked "Windy, ain't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday."
The third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a coke."
There should be a millennial edition of Monopoly where you just walk round the board paying rent, never able to buy anything.
The definition of millenials, also known as Generation Y, varies widely. The parameters (according to commentators) are those born between 1976 and 2004.
"Kids these days have it too easy," said the generation that could buy a house on a wage from unskilled work at age 21.
Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table. “That must be the door,” she said, “I'll get it!"
"Mommy, where do babies come from?"
Mommy sighs, knowing this day would come so she sits her daughter down for a long talk about the birds and the bees. After Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies, the little girl is now silent for a while.
"You understand it now?" Mommy asks.
"Yes," replies her daughter.
"Do you still have any questions?"
"Yes, how about little kittens, how does that work?"
"In exactly the same way as with babies."
"Wow," the girl exclaims, "my daddy can do ANYTHING!"
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear? " Mabel answered, "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
A physician who did house calls in a far-out rural area, went to the house of a woman who was about to give birth. The house had no electric lights, so he lit a kerosene lamp and asked the 6 year old child to hold it up for him so he could see what he was doing.
After a short while, the woman gave birth. The doc cut the cord, cleaned out the mouth of the baby and then hit it on the behind to get the baby breathing.
The little girl who watched every part of the birth said: "Hit that baby again. It had no business crawling up in there!"
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few thingswhen he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.
Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
Morris, an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful." The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmer and be careful."
Two old ladies were rocking in their chairs on the nursing home porch. One says "Martha, do you remember the minuet?" Martha answers "Heck, I don't even remember the ones I slept with."