______________
By the way, who recalls the name of the autopilot in Flying High?
______________
A stats professor plans to travel to a
conference by plane. When he passes the security check, they discover a bomb in
his carry-on-baggage. Of course, he is hauled off immediately for
interrogation.
"I don't understand it!" the
interrogating officer exclaims. "You're an accomplished professional, a
caring family man, a pillar of your parish - and now you want to destroy that
all by blowing up an airplane!"
"Sorry", the professor interrupts
him. "I had never intended to blow up the plane."
"So, for what reason else did you try to
bring a bomb on board?!"
"Let me explain. Statistics shows that the
probability of a bomb being on an airplane is one in one thousand.. That's
quite high if you think about it - so high that I wouldn't have any peace of
mind on a flight."
"And what does this have to do with you
bringing a bomb on board of a plane?"
"You see, since the probability of one
bomb being on my plane is one in one thousand, the chance that there are two
bombs is one in one million. If I already bring one, the chance of another bomb
being around is actually one in one million, and I am much safer... “
______________
A very
distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.
She found
herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked:
"Excuse me
Father, could I ask a favour?"
"Of course
my child. What can I do for you?"
"Here is
the problem. I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which
I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits
and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you
could hide it under your cassock?"
"Of course
I could, my child, but you must realize that I cannot lie."
"You have
such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions",
and she gave him the hair remover device.
The aircraft
arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was
asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the
top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son,” he replied.
Finding this
reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do
you have?"
The priest
replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument designed for use by
women, but which has never been used."
Breaking out in laughter,
the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"
______________
An elderly
Canadian gentleman of 93 arrived in Paris by plane.
At the French
customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on
bag.
"You have
been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked,
sarcastically.
The elderly
gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
"Then you
should know enough to have your passport ready."
The Canadian
said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible,
Canadians always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"
The Canadian
senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained,
"Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach on D Day in 1944 to help liberate
this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
______________
Two Arabs
boarded a flight from Washington to New York. One sat in the window seat, the
other in the middle seat.
Just before
take-off a little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs.
He kicked off
his shoes, wiggled his toes and was just settling in when the Arab in the
window seat said, “I think I’ll go up and get a Coke.”
“No problem,”
said the Israeli, “Stay there, I’ll get it for you.” While he was gone, the
Arab picked up the Israeli’s shoe and spat in it.
When the Israeli
returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, “That looks good. I think I’ll
have one too.”
Again, the
Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he was gone the Arab picked up
the other shoe and spat in it too.
The Israeli
returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to
New York.
As the plane was
landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what
had happened.
“How long must
this go on?” he asked. “This enmity between our people…this hatred…this
animosity…this spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?”
______________
A purser on a
flight from Cairns to Brisbane asked a passenger in Business Class what he had
in his bag.
“ Crabs, Caught them
this morning. They’re still alive
and kicking. I’ll cook them tonight.”
The purser, a charming young woman,
volunteered to keep them in the kitchen until the flight was over. The flight was full and she was pretty busy. As the plane was circling Brisbane she realized
that she wasn’t quite sure which passenger the parcel belonging to. So she called over the intercom “Would the
man who gave me the crabs in Cairns come forward so that I can give them back
to him.”
______________
Gallery
Corn Corner:
A blonde gets to
fly in an airplane for the first time. She has never been on an airplane
anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a
Boeing 747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and
starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....." She sort of
forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed
by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "Be silent!" There
was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the
angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated
really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, "OEING! OEING! OEING!
OE...."
The answer to the question raised at the beginning of this post . . .
(Otto Pilot. Autopilot. Get it? . . . at least, that is what I assume.)
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